The Shadow of Negativity

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Don’t you just hate how bad vibes are so contagious? It’s like a viral disease that can infect you, especially if you’re sensitive. Unfortunately, I have a poor immunity system when it comes to bad vibes. I mean, I don’t mind people being pissed off. We’re humans and we all have things that we go through. But throw your anger at me just because someone or something pissed you off? Man, I’d be happy to give you a “Fuck this world, including you” mood as thanks.

But don’t worry ’cause I’m not the type who’d show off my bad vibes like other people do, as if it’s their greatest talent. The fact that I’d hate to pass on the negative atmosphere further to other people is one thing, another is that I’d hate the attention. A huge reason why I don’t talk often, and I try to be as audibly discreet as possible when talking around strangers. What’s the point of showing your anger when you already know people wouldn’t care how you feel?

How do I release the bad vibes I unwillingly acquired, then? Nothing. I just keep it. As if it was given to me as a gift by whoever attacked me with it, even if not directly, as if it’s me and the other infected people around who are to blame for whatever misery these contagious negative fucks are going through.

If I had to, I’d die with the negativity just so no one would have to see me getting pissed off and be ruined by it, too. Once I get overshadowed with bad vibes, there’s no getting away from it. Maybe some people get over it easily, but not me. I’d let it consume my wholeness and I’d just savor all the feeling of hate inside me. Not that I want to.

I can be a good listener if you’d ask me to, but if you’re just gonna use me as a punching bag that you can divert your anger to just because I’m the only one around, I can’t promise to take it lightly. Because the more anger I unwillingly absorb, the more my head gets clogged with dark clouds that, even though I can hear and see things around me, I am no longer paying enough attention since I’m already in the I-don’t-even-give-a-fuck-what-you-want-just-get-done-with-it state of mind.

I feel like there’s a shadow that awakens whenever I feel these bad vibrations fired at me. A shadow that blocks everything around me, and even orders me to keep feeling this way. It grins as it tells me that. Even though the negative vibes of other people have already stopped, mine won’t, because this shadow already felt it all. And when it does, it laughs hysterically in my head while I pretend that it’s not there, that it’s not happening.

I kinda feel strong for being able to keep it because despite the hysteria that this shadow portrays, I’m usually able to keep a straight face. Either I’m brave or I’m too afraid to show it. Who am I to? I have nothing to prove and while I’m under control of that shadow, my only right is to shut my mouth- The same right given to a criminal to give him a chance to save himself, if he can.

There’s no other way to do it but that. I’d just let it blow off slowly until it’s totally gone. I’d blow off steam by finding something to do that won’t involve anybody else but me. I prefer to be by myself for that reason. And I have to always keep it this way because I know that I’m not in the right position to express my own negativity, no matter how hard it is to keep it inside. That’s just how it is. It’s something I always deal with and it destroys me, but I can’t show it.

I can only let this shadow laugh at me, say everything it wants to say and only I would hear it. A laughter made of hysteria, not happiness. If it was happiness, I’d be happy to let it take over. What reason would I have to hide it? But it’s not. Once it’s done expressing its own definition of fun, I’d let it go, still quietly, until it gets back to sleep. Nobody else is supposed to see it because no one would, anyway.

If I let people see this shadow making an escape from my head, there would be chaos. Because it’s not the kind of shadow that comes up behind me when there’s sunlight, but one that comes down like rain from the dark cloud above my head. The dark cloud that is formed by all the negative energy that are being thrown at me for no reason, and tempting me to do the same.