The Shadow of Negativity

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Don’t you just hate how bad vibes are so contagious? It’s like a viral disease that can infect you, especially if you’re sensitive. Unfortunately, I have a poor immunity system when it comes to bad vibes. I mean, I don’t mind people being pissed off. We’re humans and we all have things that we go through. But throw your anger at me just because someone or something pissed you off? Man, I’d be happy to give you a “Fuck this world, including you” mood as thanks.

But don’t worry ’cause I’m not the type who’d show off my bad vibes like other people do, as if it’s their greatest talent. The fact that I’d hate to pass on the negative atmosphere further to other people is one thing, another is that I’d hate the attention. A huge reason why I don’t talk often, and I try to be as audibly discreet as possible when talking around strangers. What’s the point of showing your anger when you already know people wouldn’t care how you feel?

How do I release the bad vibes I unwillingly acquired, then? Nothing. I just keep it. As if it was given to me as a gift by whoever attacked me with it, even if not directly, as if it’s me and the other infected people around who are to blame for whatever misery these contagious negative fucks are going through.

If I had to, I’d die with the negativity just so no one would have to see me getting pissed off and be ruined by it, too. Once I get overshadowed with bad vibes, there’s no getting away from it. Maybe some people get over it easily, but not me. I’d let it consume my wholeness and I’d just savor all the feeling of hate inside me. Not that I want to.

I can be a good listener if you’d ask me to, but if you’re just gonna use me as a punching bag that you can divert your anger to just because I’m the only one around, I can’t promise to take it lightly. Because the more anger I unwillingly absorb, the more my head gets clogged with dark clouds that, even though I can hear and see things around me, I am no longer paying enough attention since I’m already in the I-don’t-even-give-a-fuck-what-you-want-just-get-done-with-it state of mind.

I feel like there’s a shadow that awakens whenever I feel these bad vibrations fired at me. A shadow that blocks everything around me, and even orders me to keep feeling this way. It grins as it tells me that. Even though the negative vibes of other people have already stopped, mine won’t, because this shadow already felt it all. And when it does, it laughs hysterically in my head while I pretend that it’s not there, that it’s not happening.

I kinda feel strong for being able to keep it because despite the hysteria that this shadow portrays, I’m usually able to keep a straight face. Either I’m brave or I’m too afraid to show it. Who am I to? I have nothing to prove and while I’m under control of that shadow, my only right is to shut my mouth- The same right given to a criminal to give him a chance to save himself, if he can.

There’s no other way to do it but that. I’d just let it blow off slowly until it’s totally gone. I’d blow off steam by finding something to do that won’t involve anybody else but me. I prefer to be by myself for that reason. And I have to always keep it this way because I know that I’m not in the right position to express my own negativity, no matter how hard it is to keep it inside. That’s just how it is. It’s something I always deal with and it destroys me, but I can’t show it.

I can only let this shadow laugh at me, say everything it wants to say and only I would hear it. A laughter made of hysteria, not happiness. If it was happiness, I’d be happy to let it take over. What reason would I have to hide it? But it’s not. Once it’s done expressing its own definition of fun, I’d let it go, still quietly, until it gets back to sleep. Nobody else is supposed to see it because no one would, anyway.

If I let people see this shadow making an escape from my head, there would be chaos. Because it’s not the kind of shadow that comes up behind me when there’s sunlight, but one that comes down like rain from the dark cloud above my head. The dark cloud that is formed by all the negative energy that are being thrown at me for no reason, and tempting me to do the same.

That Inexplicable Feel-Good Morning Vibe

You ever wake up feeling so great for some reason you can’t tell what, or maybe no reason at all? It’s just another sunny morning and yet, somehow, you feel thankful just seeing the sun rise upon you, making you feel bright and all. You’ve definitely woken up on the right side of the bed.

I know that religious folks wake up in the morning everyday and thank the creator for being able to do so, but it kinda makes me wonder how often they really feel happy about it, and how many times they just do so because it has become their morning routine. Just like how you’d ask your colleague “How are you?” when you see them in the office though you don’t really care how they’re doing and just making a simple gesture to greet them because you crossed paths.

Oftentimes, I’d just wake up and start my day and give no damn about the weather, no matter how nice it is. It just seems normal to me, as if it is Earth’s obligation to give me a beautiful morning and so I shouldn’t expect anything less. It’s just something that happens everyday, you know, the sun rising, you waking up and starting to go about your day.

But sometimes, there’s this feeling that as I wake up, I just love how the sunlight gets through the window, poking my eyes and hitting my skin, as if it never happened once in my 30 years of existence. That this time, I’ve been gifted with a beautiful morning that it makes me feel I should do something productive or meaningful to pay back such a sweet favor.

We’d complain on every rainy day that interrupts our plans and daily activities, and making things more difficult to get done with, but we seldom feel grateful for a nice sunny day when we weren’t even asking for it. We often see it as just another occurrence that will pass soon and then we’ll see another one. What if we no longer did?

Maybe if we pay more attention to every morning that we open our eyes, no matter if it’s rain or sunshine we’d see outside the window, we’d be more appreciative of the fact that we did get another chance to see either one, and learn to spend each day having more patience with whatever troubles we’d face, and have a little more understanding of why some things just wouldn’t go our way.

Perhaps we’d put more heart into everything we do- whether it’s a simple task or a huge project, an obligation or a passion- as a way of giving thanks to the creator, or the nature, or the world itself, for allowing us to continue to breathe life and be able to get things done and do even more.

If this wonderful, inexplicable feeling happens on a day when you don’t plan on doing anything, a day off perhaps, then just continue to feel it and be happy. But why not give it meaning by doing something that would? Workout, finish your tasks, take a stroll, have a chat with a friend, or anything that would make you use the gift of positive energy so you can tell yourself that you’ve spent it well. You’ve been blessed with a chance to start the day feeling like you’re on top of the world, give thanks by ending it just the same way.

I Can’t Write

I can’t write when someone’s watching me while I do it.
I just wanna be left alone while my fingers run through the keys.

I can’t write while someone’s talking to me, especially asking me questions.
The brightest idea can burst like a bubble from a slightest bit of distraction.

I can’t write while people move around behind me.
Same as watching, even if they weren’t, it feels like they are.

I can’t write for anybody.
That’s the sad part about it. I don’t have the heart to.

I can’t write when I want to.
Now I’m making excuses, which happens all the time.

I can’t write when I’m told to.
‘Cause nobody does, other than myself.

I write best when I’m alone.
When there’s no reason to hold back.

When there’s nothing or no one else to turn to.
When I feel like wanting to self-destruct.

It’s complicated why I wanna write, you see.
I don’t want you to see, but I want you to see.

For only when I want to
Can I really tell you what there is in me.

The Lime-Stained Wall

Busy, busy, hate to study
Droopy-droop, I’m too lazy

Reading, reading, mind is bleeding
A white wall staring, silence screaming

Learning, learning, eyes adoring
Can’t see the road
A sunny morning, I’m yearning

Read a travel, seen a poem
Too many tickets, this bus that roams

Rhyme! Rhyme! Screams the lime
Why a lime? We’re out of time!

A one-way ticket to a distant star
The bus still roams! How far we are?

Right, right! They yell, “Just write!”
This poem holds meaning, to hell it might!

Tossed a stone, I asked, “How far?”
The lime, it yells…
“To hell with that! Yarr!”

Where to? The beach? The park? The mall?
Nothing, nothing!
Just a lime-stained wall

The Dancing Tree Made Me Do It

Image by Rajesh Balouria from Pixabay

I looked at the tree outside through the screen door. It takes delight in the shower, and dances to the wind chimes. The sky could no longer bear the weight, bringing cold winds as it makes the downpour. I hear no other noise than the rain and the chimes.

An afternoon is when the TV is usually on, but I’m alone and there’s nothing to watch. I sit down and let my senses communicate with my brain, to deliver whatever this body sees, hears, and feels, which then orders my fingers to hit the keys.

Now here, the words gifted by nature as it takes its course.

Tonight, An Indescribable Emotion Pushes Me To Write

I sit here on my bed, actually just a bed mattress on the floor, in the living room. It’s been here for years, maybe three or four, originally done so that my grandmother who used to come here and stay for a few days wouldn’t have to climb the stairs to the bedroom because of her weakening knees. She no longer visits us but we decided to just keep the mattress here, just removing the bed frame to have a bit of extra space. That’s been the case since then.

I sit here with my laptop on my lap, closer to the knees since they say it’s harmful for your “family jewels”, but then I put it on a chair since the heat under it makes me uncomfortable. The light is off, but the light coming from the 40-inch TV is enough to lit the whole room. It’s a small house, that’s why.

I decided to write here today because it’s the right thing to do, and for another reason. After sharing some photos on Facebook about my nighttime photography on my other blog, it made me come up with a caption that made me a bit.. emotional, I guess, is the word? I mean, not to the point of crying, but just having so much fondness to the photos I took that I was able to create these words.

It goes:

The puddles and wet paved roads that reflect the lights and scenery above it, a simple science to many, to me, a soul-stirring sight.

Why do they attract me so much? Do other people feel the same when they see photos similar to those I’ve taken, which are also inspired by other similar photos I’ve seen? Do photographers feel the same kind of emotion- which I don’t even know what the right word is for- as they see the beautiful sights they take photos of?

To me, it’s a mystery. It may be because of my simple-mindedness that I tend to find attractive the things that other people see so ordinarily and probably don’t even care about. Maybe I just choose to see things that way. I want to entertain my thoughts and, by doing so, my mind pushes my eyes to see the beauty in simple, or rather, random things.

Sadly, this is as far as I could talk about this certain emotion or feeling that I still can’t describe. As fast as it kicked in, it quickly started to fade, too. I’m just happy to be able to talk about it before it’s gone. I’ll put away my laptop from my lap now and protect my rocks from any further damage. The sentimental vibe is gone, and I’m proud of what it made me do while it was happening.

I think photographers are nuts, and the photos they take are meant to drive us nuts.

If you feel this kind of emotion about something, you must’ve seen or experienced something special, something you definitely enjoyed when you are reminded of it. Embrace it. Sit down, and listen to something- like this one that I’m listening to while writing this- and just let it all out. Music can also give the same indescribable emotion that can make you see things differently than others.

The indescribable emotion has faded, and so tonight’s story ends here.

Light, Wind, & Darkness

It’s dark. There’s nothing in this room. Just pure darkness.

I keep looking, only to end up in the same place. I keep walking but I don’t seem to be moving. I tried to look harder, still nothing. Just a space. A dark space.

I’ll never find it. There’s just no way. A light shows up, a small yet dazzling light. That’s how I see it. Until a gust of wind blows it out. And it’s dark again.

The light brings excitement, it puts a smile on my face. It’s like a candle. It looks even brighter in this dark room. It’s bright, but only I could see it.

I would always look for that light, sometimes the light finds me. As if it just suddenly finds its way to where I am, and tries to lead me somewhere.

But just as the light finds its way to me, so does the wind find its way to the light. Just like a candle, the light quickly disappears.

The wind only comes when the light shows up. As if that’s what it’s destined to do, and there’s no stopping it from doing what it’s destined to do.

As the last light goes out, I turned to the wind. Upset, but trying not to show it it, I asked, “Why do you keep blowing the light out?”

The wind blows through me. It gave me shivers, to which I quickly weaken.
It blew stronger, and I hear a whisper in my ear… “What light?”

I knew it. Just like before, nobody else saw it but me. The light that I always thought shined so brightly, was nothing but a faint light of a candle in this endless darkness.

The faint light of a candle, who’s beauty only I could see, is a weak light that quickly fades when blown by a gust of wind.

Nothing but a faint light, it is. A light that tries to lead me to where I want to be. But the light is just too weak, too weak for the wind to see.

The darkness continues as I try to scream. It’s a loud scream, yet only I could hear. I never knew it was easy to scream and keep a straight face.

Should I continue to let this light come to me and give me a moment of happiness, only to have more sorrow everytime the wind blows?

Or should I call the wind myself this time, and let the light be gone forever?
These questions, along with myself, go on loop into the darkness.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty | How I relate to Walter’s daydreaming habit

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”

Lately, I’ve been rewatching some Marvel movies because it seems I still haven’t moved on from the awesomeness that I witnessed from Infinity War. Today, I just wanted to see something with a light, more normal storyline and as I started watching the beginning of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, I already knew that I was gonna enjoy it since I could immediately relate to the character with his daydreaming habit.

Walter Mitty works for a magazine company. He always daydreams of being this adventurous and brave type of person who lives a life that’s full of action and excitement when in reality, he’s just another ordinary person who’s trying to make ends meet. Also, part of his daydreaming is that he can easily strike a smooth conversation, or even have some kind of heroic moments with his coworker crush, Cheryl.

Daydreaming is probably normal for people to do. I hope it is. I usually daydream during rough times when I just can’t seem to figure out how to handle or get out of a situation. Sometimes when I’m just upset about something, I’d also imagine that I’m some kind of a superhuman who would just beat the crap out of anyone trying to mess things up in the city(I blame those Marvel movies for this). It’s like some kind of escape when you have so much emotions but you’re afraid to let it out so you just dwell in this imaginary world where you see yourself as someone who’s stronger and more powerful above everyone else.

There are also times when I wish I had said more in a conversation, that I felt that I knew more things than the other person but I just can’t put up with any more BS so I just end up agreeing with them just so they would stop talking. At least, I could turn these things around in my own world.

As Walter goes on to find what he’s looking for, he finally gathered up the courage to leave his fears, then he took a leap of faith and started “going into the unknown” which slowly turned his imaginations into reality.

This could be one of the most difficult phases in our lives. Many people are stuck in a cycle due to fear of failure, afraid of taking risks. I’m pretty sure that most of these kinds of people are, in their own world, free spirits living by their own rules, going on different adventures and creating their own fascinating life stories.

“If I like a moment, for me, personally, I don’t like to have the distraction of the camera. I just want to stay in it.” –Sean O’Connell
This is probably my favorite scene in the movie. An adventurer, a photographer, telling an ordinary person how to stay in a moment. Not capture it. Just.. stay in it, live in it. Many people today would put out their cameras and capture every single moment they find phenomenal, or things they know they won’t see everyday.
If you seek adventure, your purpose is to go out and see the world. Don’t just trap your eye inside your camera lens and then move on all the time. It’s okay to capture a few moments but sometimes, moments can also capture you. All you gotta do is let it. When that happens, you know you’re living in it.

I think daydreaming is not just me being in a deep thought. Maybe there’s also a Walter Mitty inside me hiding behind my fears, waiting for me to take action and put my daydreams into reality(except the superhuman thing). Should I be more open on any conversation that somehow opposes my beliefs? I don’t know. I still think as long as I know what I think is right, it doesn’t matter what others would say. Just let them talk and wish them a good day.

Daydreaming may be a bad thing if I just live my whole life in an imaginary world, but it’s still better than not dreaming of anything at all. If I learn to set the less important things aside, I could probably be able to prepare myself for a real adventure that would stay with me forever.

Iceland is so #travelgoals, don’t you think? 🙂

Do you find yourself daydreaming on a rainy day, too?