In less than a month from now, I’ll be turning 30. And for the past few days, I haven’t posted anything since my mind had gone haywire after realizing what’s about to come. It’s like a ticking time bomb, a countdown to a new chapter in my life that I have no choice but to unwillingly allow to open even if I’m not ready yet.
It’s already too late to regret the past and nothing will happen for doing so.
That’s what I keep telling myself. I’ve wasted away my 20’s by not having any path or finding any reasons for my existence. I had no purpose. I’ve gotten used to just living life as it is and accepting whatever comes my way with very little effort to achieve something worthwhile and tell myself that I’ve lived my life to the fullest. Whatever will be, will be.
Oftentimes, I’d find myself lying down on my bed, just staring at the ceiling. I could do the same thing outside. Like sit down on the cement floor in front of our house and just look at the stars- or the moon at least, whatever the clouds would permit- just to be more dramatic, but damn mosquitoes would just ruin the moment.
Anyway, I’d just stare at whatever is the farthest thing my eyes can reach, and I’d see the questions that have been haunting me for years, as if they’re all being projected by my brain through my eyes. “What am I gonna do with my life?” “Why didn’t I do this? Why didn’t I try that?” “Will I ever find my true passion?” “If I do, will I be able to live my life doing it?” “Why the fuck am I still writing about my own issues instead of something that readers would actually find valuable?” “What in the freakin’ hell is my writing niche, really? That and many more.
Recently on the news, a City Mayor ordered to force-close a famous shopping mall that sells secondhand cellphones and has an expired business permit. This mall has been operating for decades and, needless to say, it received positive and negative reactions from people. Some were happy that crooks would now have a hard time selling stolen phones, and some were protesting that it’s affecting their livelihood and that they don’t even buy stolen phones- which they figure out by simply asking the “seller” if they know the pin code or how to operate it- and would never accept it. While this particular story doesn’t have anything to do with me, it’s what my mom shared that really hit me.
After hearing the news, she said that two of her cousins used to work at the same mall for a long time. How long? Since-the-fucking-’70s long. They just retired in 2018. Not too long after that, they passed away. I don’t know for what reason, probably illness. No disrespect to her cousins, and I know they did their best to live, but it really added to the anxiety that is already at wits end. Because at this point in my life, it’s pretty obvious that I’m going the same direction- working ’til I die.
I didn’t react too much when she told me that than just a simple “Uh-huh”, but deep inside, I felt it hit me real hard. What happened to them was something that many people go through, that I’d really hate to go through. I don’t wanna spend my life working just to make ends meet, only having a few breaks in between, and go through the same cycle until the day my body would tell me, “This is it. You’re done. Good job providing for yourself and your family. Just live the remaining days of your life struggling to move your old bones until you could no longer move them. Soon, you’ll leave this world peacefully. RIP.”
Well, nothing would happen if I just keep staring in space and leave my questions unanswered.
Let’s make it official. This post serves as my statement that I’m planning to turn things around in my 30’s. No more laziness, no more procrastination, no more excuses. It will be like rewinding back to my 20’s but I’m doing things differently. I want to give my life more meaning. It will be more difficult, more challenging, and more discouraging, but I’m gonna face it anyway. I don’t wanna live a boring life because I already did. That’s why I’m doing a reset, a fresh start.
What’s gonna happen? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll even create a new blog AGAIN because I still haven’t found that stupid writing niche. I’ll get there. I WILL get there. Some people start to settle down at the age of 30. Not me. This will be the decade that I embark on a new journey filled with adventure and thrill. I’ll start living as if I’m 20 again- but just without the partying and drinking because that is long gone and I also have bigger responsibilities now.
The following decade will be filled with learning and pursuing my passion, as well as plans and goals that I’m gonna achieve, so that the following years would be a life with no more regrets and would rather be full of freedom. I may not know what direction I’m headed right now, but one thing is for certain- stopping is NOT the answer.